Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
