awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
