I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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