Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
are you so shy because you have an std?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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