apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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