Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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