Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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