I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
