I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
