Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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