Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
