I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
