I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
