you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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