there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
