eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
