and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You were trust falling into bushes
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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