You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
