Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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