I cannot find my penis.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
