cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
