oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
