My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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