If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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