He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
