well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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