You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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