Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
