I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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