I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
