im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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