Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
