I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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