So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
