Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
