Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Randomize
