he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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