I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
