Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
