I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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