Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
