I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
