I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
