My underwear smells like fireworks.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
