The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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