She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
