I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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