Having a random hookup so left but love u
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Randomize
