I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
