i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
