This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
